


A crack in the mask

by Subaruchan192



Series: Barisi Comfort [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Friendship, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27844285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192
Summary: “Is everything alright?”Dear God. Did he look that terrible? Rafael sighed and closed the file on his lap, before he rested it on the table.For a moment, Rafael considered if he should dismiss it, but he knew Carisi could be just as stubborn as he was and if he was on a track, he never let it go. In his job, this accurate empathy was his biggest strength and something Rafael admired, but in this night, just this one, he cursed it, because it didn’t leave him any other choice than to expose himself. Rafael deliberate ignored the little twinge inside his stomach, that said he actually wanted to talk to someone.“No, I’m not.” They weren’t many words, but still some of the hardest he ever had to say.or: Rafael's grandmother is delivered into hospital and he is struggling with the situation. When Sonny walks into his office to talk about a case, Rafael thinks that he is the last things he needs. He has never been so wrong in his life.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Barisi Comfort [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2028056
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30





	A crack in the mask

**Author's Note:**

> Another draft dead body from my folder finally sees the light of day. It turned out much more angsty than I have imagined.

He was tired. So endlessly tired it was almost exhausting to think and thinking was his job, but his thoughts had significantly slowed down for the past couple of weeks and yet, he had still problems catching up with them as it appeared as if they slipped right through his fingers as soon as he reached them.

Rafael was used to stress. There was no way around it in his line of work and actually, he kind of enjoyed it, because it meant that his job was important. That _he_ was important and that he finally achieved, what he had longed for ever since he was a child. Ever since his mother had told him to stay close to his friend Alex, because he was going to be a mayor soon and never even considered that Rafael might be someone remarkable too.

And that was the crux of the matter. He loved his mother dearly, but their relation was strained to say the least. Not by them, but by his father. Rafael growled deep and low underneath his controlled façade as the vague image of the nightmare, which had dominated his childhood, passed his mind and that young boy, which still lived somewhere so very deep inside of him, couldn’t forgive his mother for not protecting him enough, for pretending like everything was fine on the outside, while their home had been hell.

The only light in the darkness had been his abuelita and her kindness. She had been able to give what Rafael had craved for. Whenever he had fled to her, she had hugged him tightly in her arms, led him into her small kitchen, which always smelled so deliciously and cooked him something. That was, where his strong relationship to food came from. Rafael was aware of it.

But now, the anchor of his life laid in hospital. It wasn’t life-threatening, not even bad, but the consequences would reach far and the call of his mother had been enough to unsettle him greatly. More than he had thought something ever could. He was ADA of New York, he was used to look into the Abyss, to be brave and strong, but his body had shaken and the blood had drummed in his ears as he had listened to his mother’s voice, which was tumbling at the edge, too.

He should be strong. He was strong. He was there for her, but whenever it was over, whenever he was on his own it felt like his strength disappeared through a drain and he became weak. And then, he became sad and the darkness around him appeared so much thicker than ever before.

That was why he didn’t go home. That was why he stayed in his office as long as he could, trying to distract him with work so that he didn’t have to think about it. To prevent to feel as unconscious and helpless as he had felt in his childhood, because this was one of the things he couldn’t control. It was something Rafael absolutely hated.

He sighed and starred down at the file on his lap. The letters danced in front of his eyes, which were too tired to recognize them. It was just a method to keep himself occupied enough in order not to have to think about, what was lurking in his subconscious.

Rafael didn’t know how long he had been absorbed in his mind, when there was a knock on his door, which was immediately opened without offering Rafael the time to answer.

“Hey, Barba. Sorry, I know it’s late, but…” Sonny Carisi entered the stage full of enthusiasm, his nose buried in a file and his mind already being at least two steps ahead of the situation.

“Carisi, always a pleasure.” His voice was dripping from his usual sarcasm as he has he turned around to him and tried to keep the façade. Just when he lifted his eyes to finally look properly at Rafael he paused, the words disappearing from his tongue and a concerned frown appeared between his eyebrows.

“Is everything alright?”

Dear God. Did he look that terrible? Rafael sighed and closed the file on his lap, before he rested it on the table.

For a moment, Rafael considered if he should dismiss it, but he knew Carisi could be just as stubborn as he was and if he was on a track, he never let it go. In his job, this accurate empathy was his biggest strength and something Rafael admired, but in this night, just this one, he cursed it, because it didn’t leave him any other choice than to expose himself. Rafael deliberate ignored the little twinge inside his stomach, that said he actually wanted to talk to someone.

“No, I’m not.” They weren’t many words, but still some of the hardest he ever had to say. To admit that he was weak was still something difficult for him. Rafael sighed again and starred onto his red socks, which peaked out from underneath his black suit trouser, avoiding Carisi’s gaze.

“Barba…” Carisi’s voice was soft and warm, accentuated with a little flavour of concern as he carelessly tossed his documents somewhere and the case was long forgotten. Carisi was always up to the rescue. Rafael smiled weakly, but removed it with a quick wipe of his tongue.

He wasn’t exactly sure if he actually wanted to talk about it, yet alone with Carisi. His old instincts told him he rather wanted to be alone, but he knew Carisi wouldn’t leave now that he had admitted it. Carisi would never rest before he had healed the world. A characteristic as endearing as it was annoying. Especially given Rafael didn’t know how to handle it, because it would meant he would have to let down his walls.

To his surprise the normally curious Carisi didn’t ask. Instead he reached for the crystal flacon with the amber liquid to pour Barba and himself a glass. Wordlessly, they chinked the glasses in the silent night and drank and it actually felt nice. It was comfortable to have company without the necessity to talk. It was what he needed and he was glad Carisi seemed to understand.

He still felt the deep, blue eyes hanging thoughtfully on him, watching every little gesture of him while his detective mind tried to put the widely discarded puzzle pieces together.

Usually, Rafael appreciated the sharp perception and eager mind of his, but tonight it could be his doom. Especially combined with alcohol.

“Is it about the case,” Carisi carefully asked and his voice was too warm, too comforting, too soothing and a battle raged inside of him. A part of him longed to give into the compassion which he hadn’t experienced for such a long time, while the other was reluctant.

“No, it isn’t.” The words were out faster than he had expected and he took quickly a gulp of in the hope he could drown them in the burning scotch.

Carisi blinked, but Rafael could barely see it in the sparse light of the room. The detective leaned back, his long legs elegantly crossed over each other while his eyes seemed to see right through him.

The silence which settled over Rafael’s office was heavy. Rafael wasn’t used to patience, that someone adapted to his rhythm or speed, but it didn’t seem like Carisi wanted to rush him.

It truly was hard to handle and for the first time in a long time Rafael felt the itching of nervousness inside his chest and stomach.

It also was the first time he didn’t know what to talk about with Carisi. Despite the typical annoyance Rafael sometimes felt for most people, everything was easy with Carisi. They worked effortlessly and it concerned Rafael.

“Barba…” Carisi’s voice was soft, but also concerned. The prosecutor took a deep breath and let it out slowly, the air making the surface of the scotch frizzy.

“My grandmother is in hospital,” Rafael said, rather emotionless as he stared onto the heavy, wooden sideboard in which all his law textbooks stood. Carisi inhaled sharply, but he before he could express his condolence, he added: “Nothing too serious. It just hits me wrong.”

“I understand,” Carisi whispered and there was something soothing in his voice. Rafael lifted his gaze and starred at Carisi in confusion. “They have always been there, never seeming to grow older and as a child we believe they are going to live forever and that carries over. It feels like they are immortal and when we realize they aren’t, we’re shaken.”

Rafael nodded soberly as Carisi’s words felt true. He knew that his grandmother couldn’t live forever and that he was going to say good-bye, but a part of him still hoped that he would always be able to go to her when it felt like the world was overwhelming him or he need to rant.

 _A mother loves you, but a grandmother is always on your side_ , she had once said to him and nothing had ever felt truer. No matter how stupid the matters had been, when he had fled to her, she had understood. It was the only place he had felt safe.

Still, that was not a matter for now and Carisi wasn’t here because of that. They had an obligation. They had something to do and he had to compose himself.

“But you’re not here for that.” Rafael tried to laugh it off, but it wasn’t as melodic as usually. It sounded rather hoarse.

“Maybe it’s not what I come for, but it is what I’m here for,” Carisi said seriously, but the gaze in his eyes was soft and understanding.

Rafael’s heart began to race and suddenly it felt as if something was changing between them. Something Rafael had tried to avoid, because he had wanted to keep them distant. Nervously, he wrung his hands and hated how vulnerable he probably appeared and how vulnerable he _felt_. It was a side he actually kept to himself as he wanted no one to see him like this. Probably because he never wanted to see himself like this. It had always ended bad for him.

Just then Rafael noticed how tears burned in his eyes and he bit his lips in frustration, angry about himself.

Why did it feel so good to hear Carisi’s warm voice? Why did it feel like it was something his heart longed for?

Carisi seemed to notice his inner struggle as he stood up from one of the chairs and sat down beside him. They were so close and it felt like warmth was emitting from him.

“It’s stupid…,” Rafael murmured before he even realized it. He froze and hoped that Carisi didn’t hear him.

“There’s nothing stupid about it.” Rafael looked up with a surprised expression in his eyes and was met with a serious, yet comforting expression on Carisi’s face. He didn’t just say it to soothe Rafael. He meant it and that shook something deep inside of Rafael.

Rafael wanted to keep it away. He still didn’t want to talk about it and yet, he did. He was struggling, his brain and heart, his experiences and hopes fighting against each other so strongly that he began to shiver.

Carisi’s eyes became deep, an older pain mirroring in his eyes and he slid a little closer. Just now, Rafael realized how close exactly they were. That their arms were touching and it felt…pleasant, actually.

There was also a different kind of closeness in this black night. A more intimate kind. It felt tender, nice and for the first times in years Rafael felt the possibility of opening up laying ahead of him. The question was whether he wanted to accept it.

Carisi waited patiently to make his decision, to accept the compassion he offered.

“I’ve never wanted to feel like this again,” Rafael whispered before he even noticed it. Maybe it was due to the scotch or to the intimacy of the night, but likely it wasn’t.

“Like what?”

“So helpless.” Rafael sighed. It was a feeling he truly despised. A feeling which felt like acid in his stomach, burning inside of him as it was connected to many unpleasant memories. “There’s nothing I can do to help and I hate it.”

His voice rolled like thunder from frustration and Rafael noticed too late of how much he had allowed to slip into it. There was no way that Carisi had missed it.

“There’s more to it, isn’t it?” he asked with a frown. Rafael scraped his bottom lip. Why did Carisi had to be that perceptive?

“There is,” he admitted as he knew there was no way in denying it. Carisi wouldn’t just leave it be. “I’m just not sure, if I’m ready to talk about that part.”

“I see…” Carisi nodded, but he couldn’t hide the pain it. It likely felt like a rejection to him. Something Rafael hadn’t intended, but almost felt better to him than accepting the other offer. Rather hurt Carisi slightly now, before he got truly hurt.

It had always ended that way. In this regard bad luck followed him like a shadow and he didn’t…didn’t…yes, what exactly?

He didn’t want to pollute Carisi? Maybe it was him that he wanted to protect? Rafael hadn’t felt this confused in a long time.

“Barba…listen…I know you’re a person who likes to be in control. It must be concerning and maybe even scaring that you aren’t right now, but there are things we just can’t.”

“And what am I suppose to do? Praying?” Rafael asked harshly, much more than he had intended to and he startled as soon as his words thundered through his ear. He lowered his head and looked away. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Carisi smiled and rested his big, warm hand over Rafael’s, which felt ice cold and clamp. Wasn’t compassionate supposed to feel good? But this here rather stung, somewhere deep inside his heart and yet he wasn’t able to pull away. He could if he wanted to. Rafael knew it, but fact was that he actually wanted to stay, to be hold, to be understood and to be comforted. He wanted to be _weak_.

It was a strange, unknown feeling and Rafael felt how something was cracking. A fine craze in his masquerade; just right above his forehead, between his eyes.

“Sonny…,” he whispered, his voice and lips trembling.

“It’s okay, Rafael.”, Sonny said, easily accepting the unintentional closeness that Rafael had opened. His long fingers spread, enclosing more of Rafael’s hand and they squeezed his clenched fists.

Rafael liked the feeling actually, the comfort which rested within it.

“You’re allowed to struggle,” Sonny’s velvety voice continued. “You don’t have to be strong all the time.”

The truth was he always had to be and it could be exhausting and it felt like he was reaching his limits. Sonny’s words hit a nerve. It seemed like he was able to see him in a way that no one else could, easily knowing what to say to hit a weak spot.

Or maybe it was just the alcohol and the late hour. Yes, it must be.

His head began to hurt, a throbbing pounding behind his temples. It was all too much, too confusing, too overwhelming and the urge to flee hit him and yet he stayed.

He looked up and was met with kind, blue eyes and a warm smile. He felt safe. How odd, how unknown, how…welcomed. Rafael didn’t know what to make out of it.

“It’s okay to share.”, Sonny continued and rested also his other hand around his, so Rafael’s were completely enclosed by warmth and tenderness. “That’s what friends are for.”

They were too close to be _just_ friends. In so many ways. There was no room between them. Never had been, now that he thought of it.

His heart beat too fast to be just that. This felt too pleasant to be just that.

“I’m afraid, Sonny.”, he whispered. “Of the day which will inevitable come. My abuelita is…”

His voice broke. He couldn’t even put it into words. He, the normally eloquent Rafael Barba, never afraid of addressing horrible things, but just thinking about _that_ felt like his heart was filled with ice cold water instead of blood.

“I know, Rafael…,” Sonny whispered soothingly and naturally wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Those were the moments when Sonny Carisi shone the brightest. When people suffered, he was the strongest, never shying away from opening up and naturally knowing what they needed. He just had an incredible instinct about it and seemed like he even had for the complex puzzle that Rafael was. “I know.”

Without even really realizing it, Rafael leaned in closer and rested his head on the comforting shoulder. It felt save to be hold, to be comforted and Sonny gently rubbed his back.

Something inside Rafael split open and a side of him appeared he had hidden for so long. He shivered and wrapped his arms around Sonny without a second thought. It was rather that he was holding onto Sonny like a drowning man in a stormy sea and that was exactly how he felt. He had pushed and ignored fear and concern for so long that he had forgot how to handle the brutal intensity.

Sonny was there and stayed, holding him, while he fought though he didn’t actually know against what exactly. Strangely, Rafael didn’t feel weak in this moment. The voice of his father was missing.

He didn’t know how long he rested like this, how long he was wrapped in Sonny’s warmth, but he understood even better now, why he helped the victims so much.

Still, Rafael couldn’t help, but to whisper:

“I’m sorry.”

Then he pulled away and wiped the traitorous wetness in his eyes away.

“There is absolutely nothing to apologize for.” Sonny’s smile was warm and honest, so much that Rafael could hardly believe it was real.

“Thank you, Sonny.” This situation, as obscure as it was, made him see the sometimes a little socially awkward detective in a new light. It was if he could finally see all the extent of his strength and his kindness.

But this here was neither the time, nor the situation for…whatever was blossoming inside his stomach. Nothing good ever happened so late in the night.

“You’re welcome.” His blue eyes sparkled brightly and Rafael cleared his throat as his voice was shaky and a little hoarse. “I’m sure everything is going to be fine. She’s a Barba. You’re all fighters.”

Rafael laughed or rather huffed and nodded.

“And just as stubborn.” He blinked and looked towards the windows. The shutters were closed, but some stray beams of artificial light still peered through them, drawing a ghostly pattern on the floor. “She thinks that I’m a judge and each time I tell her I’m not, she just says that I’m going to be one day.”

“Oh, I can totally imagine it.” Sonny laughed, a warm, melodic sound. “It seems like the retorts are inherited in the family.”

“They are,” Rafael confirmed and he also laughed, though it still was rather flat. “She was the only one, who…”

To his surprise, Sonny lifted his hand and stopped him.

“You’re not obliged to explain. You said you’re not sure if you can and I don’t want you to tell me, because you feel like you have to. It’s okay if you want to keep it for yourself.”

That was something completely new for Rafael. This respect of boundaries. As much as he loved Olivia, she would have dug deeper as she knew that there was something hiding underneath, but it was true that Rafael wasn’t feeling comfortable about revealing the full extent of his past.

Silently, Lucia and he had agreed on not talking about it, pretending that it never happened, even though the sting still sat deep and hurt, always interjecting a small amount of poison into his system.

Sonny seemed to feel it and there was something resting in his eyes which Rafael had never seen before. A dark shadow scurried over the ocean and Rafael felt like there was something resting underneath the surface, too.

The air felt tight like a coil in his room as if it was too small to contain it and suddenly Rafael just wanted to leave. A quick glance to the clock told him he definitely should. He had a hearing for a different case early in the morning and he needed sleep- though he wasn’t sure if he was able to find any. It was quite likely that his thoughts were going to run wild as soon as his head would hit the pillow.

“It’s getting quite late; we should rather leave. I’ll call us a car.” The leather of the couch squeaked quietly as he got up, but to his surprise, Sonny took his hand and held him back.

“Are you truly alright, Rafael, or just running away?” As he turned around, he was met with a thoughtful gaze.

For a moment he considered lying, but then he thought of how much he had given Sonny already and that it was ridiculous to pull the line here.

“A bit of both,” he admitted with a deep sigh and his shoulders slumped. “But I’m going to be okay.”

“I’m sure you’re going to make it through. You’re strong. The question is how much _okay_ contains.”

“Worried, Carisi?” Rafael tried to dissolve the situation with his usual sass and showed his flashy smirk, but Sonny didn’t buy it. He only lifted an eyebrow and stared intensely into his eyes.

“I am.”, he said calmly and still held his hand, denying that he would pull away and Rafael truly saw concern glistening in his eyes. “I care for you, Rafael.”

Something in the tone of Sonny’s voice said that _care_ contained more than it would for a friend or maybe Rafael was just wishing for it. He wasn’t sure and decided that he couldn’t deal with it tonight. It had been too much and he felt exhausted.

“Thank you, Sonny,” Rafael whispered and gently patted Sonny’s hand, indicating to let him go and he did. For a moment, Rafael thought he missed the touch. “But leave it for tonight, please.”

“Okay.” Sonny stood up and walked over to one of the chairs he had thrown his coat over. “Just call me if you feel like this again, please. You don’t have to face this alone.”

Rafael hesitated, but then nodded and said:

“I promise.”

Sonny appeared relieved and he breathed out deeply, this beautiful smile appearing on his face again. Then, they left the building together. They waited for the cab together in the cold, ark night and separated, but Rafael felt like they would never truly separate anymore. A new bond had built between them and it was one he actually wanted to cherish.


End file.
